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是末日?還是重生?(五)福智廣論班學員

清涼感恩

美國 張俶禎

身上的水瘤在我體內已超過六年之久,但因種種原因,一直沒有去處理它。直到六月份,因腫大壓迫到坐骨神經而痛得無法入眠,才再次找醫師診治,經由超音波掃描,發現水瘤已惡化且有異常的陰影,醫生認為非緊急開刀不可。開刀前因病痛使我在念四皈依時無法集中心力,這時我不由得開始擔心:這小小的病痛已讓我如此提不起心力,等我臨命終時又如何能生起皈依的心力呢!

蓮花

攝影:陳明泉先生

開刀前一晚,我重新把早已寫好的遺囑初稿重謄一遍,隔天一大早起來拜佛,並在出發到醫院前請了一顆摩尼丸。從上路的那一刻起,我的心情感到很清涼、很安心,也許是因為感覺有三寶、師長可依靠,所以一點也不擔心、害怕。

當我被推入開刀房準備室時,雪瓊師姐帶來了淨通法師的關心及叮嚀。法師教我如何觀想佛及師父(日常法師),但我的程度較差,無法依著他老人家的交代去觀想,我只能觀想到常師父在新竹鳳山寺帶領我們念金光明經時的景象,就這樣一面觀想、一面默念著皈依,口中含著摩尼丸進入開刀房進行開刀。

從我進入麻醉狀況起至開完刀清醒過來的那一刻,我都清清楚楚的看到師父一直陪著我,盤坐著的師父是那麼的近、那麼的真實,是我從未有過的親近師父,我不禁淚流滿面,感激師父的加持。我是很不長進的弟子,而師父依然那麼慈悲的眷顧我,叫我不由得生起慚愧之心,也同時告訴自己:若不好好依著師父的教法去學、去作,怎麼對得起師父及自己!

幾個月前學到廣論中士道時,我實在害怕自己因往昔所造的太多惡業而感得無法善終,以致中陰身時無法選對投生到人道,在師父的座下及團體中繼續學習。經由這次開刀,感受到三寶及師父的加持,讓我對下一生更抱有希望及信心,只要我繼續努力,不離師長、團體,下一生一定有希望的。我們真的太有福報了,才能感得如此高量的師長來攝受,我無法用任何文藻、詞句來表達內心的感激,只有化為一句簡單、至誠的「常師父,謝謝您!」並感謝法師的關心及叮嚀。

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